


When A Circle Is Shattered

by masterroadtripper



Series: 18 Stanhope Mews [1]
Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Amputation, Anger Management, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Divergence, Eventual Smut, Harry becomes Arthur, M/M, Major Character Injury, Mental Health Issues, Polyamory, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Prosthesis, Suicidal Thoughts, Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-02
Updated: 2019-01-16
Packaged: 2019-07-23 16:01:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16162202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/masterroadtripper/pseuds/masterroadtripper
Summary: Eggsy, James (Merlin) and Harry were dating for a very short time before Harry is shot in the head.  Three years of dating later and a mission to the States and a landmine changes everything around again.  Change isn't always for the better.Chapter 1: semi canon compliantChapter 2 and on: not canon compliant





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An intro that serves as a summary of after the events of the first Kingsman movie and through the second one.
> 
> Note: I have editted this to change the timeline around a bit and to make it so that Harry and Eggsy both ended up in Kentucky. Harry only gets shot in the temple and he goes back to London to heal with Eggsy and James.

Eggsy knew the second he heard the explosion that his life had changed forever. He had more or less expected danger when he had joined Kingsman. And danger had been part of his life for the past three years he had worked for the spy service.

The past few weeks had been insane, to say the least. Between Roxy and two of his best friends being hospitalized when a rocket was launched at their respective houses, the Kingsman headquarters being destroyed, and meeting the crew from Statesman, Eggsy wasn’t quite sure what could have made it worse. Then he stepped on a landmine.

Within the first year of joining Kingsman, Eggsy had not only found the family he never had, friends he finally liked and general acceptance, and also not just one, but two boyfriends. More than he had ever had before. But between Harry, James and Eggsy, their entirely unconventional relationship was the best thing any of them could have hoped for.

Then Harry was shot in the head during a mission to Kentucky. Thankfully, Eggsy was waiting just outside the church. While he let Valentine get away he was able to save Harry’s life with a brand new technology that James had been working on. Alpha gel. It was able to prevent too much skull and skin damage as well as brain trauma. Harry survived, but after slaughtering a church full of innocent people and having major head trauma, he was a different man. Not entirely, as his heart was still intact and he still loved Eggsy and James, but his brain, that was a different story. He took to sleeping on the outside of the bed so he could get out without waking his boyfriends, or if he had a nightmare, he could move if it was needed. It was hard, but they made it work and Harry was getting better.

Eggsy moved in with James and Harry and they started their unconventional life together. Finally, with the money that he had made, he was able to move his mother and sister out of the Estates and into an apartment of their own in relative proximity to the townhouse he lived in. Harry took over the position of Arthur once he was well enough to return to work and technically became both James and Eggsys’ bosses. But with Roxy dating Bors and Morgana dating Gawain, it was kind-of a given that Eggsy, Harry and James could keep dating, since they’d been together so long anyways.

Two years later, when they ended up in the States while following the Kingsman doomsday protocol, they met the Statesmen. A group of not entirely open minded Kentucky agents. They had to pretend that they weren’t together and not only was that hard on Harry, but it strained all of them.

Less than a week after they arrived in the States, Eggsy stepped on a landmine. They were sneaking through a jungle, ready to apprehend Poppy, the latest super villain. It was a routine incursion, nothing out of the ordinary was supposed to happen. He had phoned Roxy that morning to check in. See how she was healing up. Just to say hi. But as he heard the ground depress under his foot, he figured that he had just said goodbye for the last time.

“Don’t move,” Eggsy heard James say. The older man was standing just off his right shoulder and he could feel the warm puff of air against his neck, just over where his shirt collar sat.

“You move, we die,” James said and Eggsy heard the anxiety creeping into his voice. Eggsy nodded his understanding, the harsh reality of the situation finally settling into his mind. As James knelt down to unlatch the weaponized brief case in which he carried, Eggsy tried to refrain from moving. He really wanted to hold Harry’s hand, but the eldest man remained entirely quiet and still as well.

“Luckily, I have this,” James’ thick Scottish brogue cutting into his thoughts. The Scot stood and brandished a can of something. It looked like a container of aerosolized hairspray that his mother used to use. The ground near Eggsy’s feet was cleared of leaves and debris to expose the mechanism of triggering the bomb.

“This spray,” James said, starting to spray it around the bomb near Eggsy’s foot, “will freeze the trigger mechanism.” Eggsy could feel the cool of the aerosol over his left toes.

“It’ll give us a split second,” James started explaining. Eggsy looked into Harry’s eye, pleading him to do something. Harry always fixed things and he always had. He needed Harry to fix things one last time.

“So on the count of three, what I want you to-,” James finished before putting his college rugby training to use and affectively knocked Eggsy off the mine and stepping on the trigger himself.

“Merlin,” Eggsy exclaimed as he was knocked free, hitting Harry as they both jumped clear. Harry and Eggsy turned around as realization dawned on what had just happened. James stood and looked at them before giving a characteristic shrug.

“Merlin what the fuck have you done?” Eggsy asked, his voice as silent as a breath of air as he felt his heart break all over again. He got them into this mess, he should be the one to get them out of it, not the other way around.

“Our journey together begun many years ago, my dear boy,” James said, “When your father did the same thing for us.”

“Our journey began with a mistake I made love, give me the can,” Harry said, speaking for the first time since the mine trigger was depressed, “that's an order.”

“Cans’ empty,” James said, passing the can to Harry, “split second’s over. You two need to get going.”

“No no no, this can’t be right,” Eggsy said, lapsing into his native accent and looking between Harry and James frantically. One of them must have the answer. One of them must know what to do.

“He’s right,” Harry said, fixing Eggsy with a gaze that left very little room for argument.

“Bollocks _mission comes first_ ,” Eggsy whisper shouted. He couldn’t believe that Harry was seriously suggesting they continue on without him. So what if his father saved their lives. That was almost twenty years ago. How could they seriously be considering this?!

“Eggsy,” James scolded, “this is no time for emotion, remember your training. Or we all die. Now get on with it.”

“Do as you’re told,” Harry said, “move it.” Eggsy picked up the briefcase fighting tears. He couldn’t believe that he was walking away from the two loves of his life. The men he had hoped to marry one day. Or at least go home to London with tonight. He couldn’t leave James. Leaning in for one last kiss, Eggsy tried to memorize the lines on James’ face and the colors in his eyes. When he turned around to walk to where he had been told to go, Eggsy felt the tears start falling freely.

Then Eggsy heard the mine go off.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ginger Ale and Champ arrive at Poppy's compound

When Eggsy heard the explosion go off, he knew nothing would ever be the same. James was dead. There was no doubt about it this time. No second chances. No alpha gel. James was dead. Harry and Eggsy fought Poppy, Eggsy killed Charlie and they completed the mission and saved the planet. But James died.

The second the battle was over, Eggsy sat on the steps of Poppy’s main building and shoved his head between his knees. He ripped his ear piece out and threw it across the clearing. How could he go back? How could have Harry just let him die? They had been a couple for over thirty years, how could Harry just let him die? The thoughts of betrayal kept running through his head as he tried to forget the sound of the bomb going of and the sound of James coughing before his line went dead.

“Eggsy?” he heard a soft but rich voice ask, cutting into his subconscious. It was Harry. He would recognize that voice anywhere. But all that Eggsy could find himself associating the voice with was the one that didn’t reason James away from the brink of death. The voice that told him to get a move on and continue with the mission. The voice that didn’t help.

“Eggsy, my boy, are you hurt?” Harry asked again, approaching his form, still curled into himself and refusing to move. And of course he was hurt. James just died. How was Harry _not_ hurting?

“Eggsy, can you hear me?” Harry asked one last time before kneeling down and looking into the young man’s eyes. He could hear Harry, but he didn’t want to lash out at the older man and by ignoring him, he was desperately trying to keep his cool. Raising his tear streaked face to Harry’s, he saw just how grave the older man looked. He looked like death warmed up. He looked like his mom when she overdosed when he was little. Eggsy watched as a tear dropped from Harry’s visible eye and threw all his weight forwards at Harry, suddenly seeking physical comfort. Harry caught Eggsy and himself before they both toppled down the stairs and wrapped his long, warm arms around Eggsy’s midsection.

“Oh my boy,” Harry whispered into Eggsy’s hair, “you did so good today.”

Cutting into their protective bubble was the sound of helicopter blades spinning and the wind created by the rotters. It was a Statesman copter, Eggsy noted as he let go of Harry and observed the people climbing out. Champ and Ginger Ale ducked under the blades before splitting up. A small crew of what looked like medical staff headed towards the scorched foliage that they left James in while Champ approached Harry and Eggsy.

“Why is Ginger Ale going over there?” Eggsy asked while trying to prevent himself from getting agitated. Why was Ginger Ale putting so much time into James? He was dead. Right?

“Just investigating Galahad,” Champ told Eggsy, before addressing them both, “you boys did good out there. It's sad to see we each lost one of our own.”

 _Even though Whiskey was fighting against u_ s, Eggsy just barely refrained from saying.

“Agreed,” Harry said, schooling his voice in the way that Eggsy figured was his “Arthur voice.” The diplomatic and slightly charming one. Suddenly, both Champ and Harry paused and seemed to be listening for something. It took Eggsy a little too long to realize that they were both still wearing their ear pieces. Eggsy’s was on the ground about twenty feet from where they now stood.

“What is it Harry?” Eggsy asked as both the men turned and started running towards where Ginger Ale had gone. They seemed to not hear him, so he followed, easily keeping pace with the two older field agents.

Eggsy had seen the effects of violence on human bodies from his time on the Estates and in Kingsman. He had seen people ripped apart limb by limb, car accidents, shootings, fights, and the most common, knifings. But one thing he had not yet witnessed was a mine explosion. On the Estates, everyone knew everyone, but when someone was hurt or killed, it was never, luckily, anyone that he knew personally.

This was so extremely different. This was James. His eyes closed and his body mangled almost beyond recognition. Where Eggsy knew legs should have been, there were bloody stumps. Where smooth, elegant and skilled hands should have been were cut and gory imitations. There were cuts on his face and his glasses were blown clear and likely halfway down the mountain. Eggsy could barely hear anything over the blood pounding in his ears. Not that there was anything to hear. No one was speaking and Eggsy wanted nothing to do with the birds that had begun chirping.

Over it all, he still managed to hear Ginger Ale shout, “he’s still alive!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, if anyone has ever read the book, "Stronger," I am using a similar way to safe James' life that was seen in that book, which was biographical. If you haven't read it, I won't spoil it, but I'm just saying it to illustrate that my method can and does work in real life. But seriously, go read it, because its incredible and will change your life.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happened to James after the mine went off

Eggsy never liked hospitals. He never liked what they stood for or meant for a person. He remembered the first time he was at a hospital, after he was born, of course. It was late at night and he had just broken his leg for the first time. Dean did it and was just the first of his many injuries inflicted by that man. But for a eight year old, Eggsy was terrified. There was this boy at school that some of the others kids picked on because he had a fake leg. It was only when Eggsy was in high school he learnt that the boy lost his leg to cancer and not a broken bone. Young Eggsy was terrified either way.

And he was terrified now. It was not the first time he was keeping virgil next to one of his boyfriends, but this time, it was much more worrisome. Last time, when Harry had a hole in his head, James had ensured Eggsy that through tests, x-rays and examinations of the brain activity that the elder man would not suffer many negative after effects. James was right. Harry had no memory loss and, while suffering terrible migraines and partial blindness, had no other negative side effects.

This time, it had been determined within hours of the incident that James would be “okay.” Okay, at this point, meant he would likely live. Budweiser, the Statesman head of medicine, was the one making most of the medicinal calls on this case. An older man, originally a field medic, Bud was one of the best in his field. Plus, with the added knowledge of field amputations, Bud had a decent idea of how to treat and heal James.

But it would take a lot of surgeries to make his lower half into something useful again. Kingsman's suits are all bullet proof, therefore the suit which James wore took the brunt of the explosion. And the heat from the bomb, well that cauterized the arteries in James’ legs, preventing him from bleeding out on the field. However, there was no saving his legs. The left leg, the one directly on top of mine took the majority of the battering. The entire leg and part of his hip had been blow off in the explosion. Bud, combined with some other Statesman tech agents were working on a plan to reconstruct the missing part of James’ hip, so that he may have a chance to walk again. Without the bones and joints, James would have no luck standing, even with a prosthetic without causing major pain to himself. His right leg, well that would be much easier, in the grand scheme of things. It was blown off just below the knee, thus preserving the joint and allowing for a much easier transition into a Kingsman-issue prosthetic.

Once Bud excused himself from the Statesmen meeting table, Eggsy felt like he was going to begin crying. He couldn’t even look at Harry, still sitting beside him at the table. He couldn’t look at the man willing to let James die, only to see him subjected to years of rehabilitation and months of surgeries. It would take months for James to have every single surgery needed. There would be bone transplants, skin grafts, a few pounds of metal and plastic added in to reconstruct all James lost. The mental effects of the off-time would be numerous, not to mention other mental scars it would likely cause. Champ and Ginger Ale followed after Bud, leaving Harry and Eggsy alone with each other.

“Eggsy,” Harry said, his voice weak and frail, “please say something love.”

“Yous’ wanted to let ‘im die,” Eggsy said, the outburst finally making its way to the surface. The pent up anger of the past twenty four hours finally released. Eggsy knew he shouldn’t be so mad at Harry. It was James’ choice to knock Eggsy off the mine. Harry and James had been a couple for longer than Eggsy had been alive, so Eggsy, in his right mind, should have been comforting Harry. But he was just so mad. How could this have happened. His father saved Harry and James, and Eggsy, in the moment he stepped on the mine, knew that it was his duty as well.

“It was James’ choice Eggsy. I did not let him die. James is not dead,” Harry said, his voice cracking on the last statement.

“There musta been somefin we coulda done,” Eggsy said, “We’s shouldna let him go.”

“James is not dead Eggsy,” Harry said, grabbing the younger man’s shaking hands, “We are going to keep up with this and no matter what, James is going to get our help.”

* * *

Eggsy couldn’t sleep that night. He couldn’t sleep with his head on Harry’s chest, on top of him, away from him, in the chair, on the floor. Eggsy couldn’t close his eyes and not see or hear James being blown up. He had no idea how Harry was asleep. Actually he did. Harry took Ginger Ale up on the offer of some sleeping drug that Statesman was working on. Eggsy had turned Ginger Ale down and was now regretting it.

He hadn’t slept at all last night, but that was common the night after returning from a mission. The second night, which Eggsy found himself smack dab in the middle of, he usually slept, too exhausted not to. But tonight, there would be no sleep again. As much as he may want to. Eggsy pulled himself off the floor where he currently was attempting at sleeping and grabbed a top. The black and yellow striped Adidas jumper that James and Harry hated so much. Moving silently through the darkened halls of the Statesman compound, Eggsy tried to watch for landmarks, little places which led him where he wanted to go. In the dark, the cracked sign and the weird dent in the wall were invisible and took Eggsy double the time to make it down to the medical bay than he figured it should have.

James was still in quarantine, and would be for the foreseeable future. Or at least until Bud and the rest of the Statesman crew found a way to repair the massive open wound that used to be his upper leg and side of his hip. Jimmying the lock to the observation room, Eggsy entered and almost fell to the floor at the sight of James. He had seen the man on the field, sure, but this was different. On the field, his suit and blood mostly covered the majority of the exposed tissues. Now, entirely wrapped around the stump of his right leg was a large alpha gel packet. The nanobots were controlled from Ginger Ale’s monitoring station at the side of the room and were working on applying a synthetic skin layer to the area just below his knee. It would protect the bone and create a bonding site for the Kingsman issue prosthetic to be connected.

James’ left side was what Eggsy couldn’t believe. In the field, it honestly looked a lot better. Bud had surgically removed the damaged tissue and bone that could in no way be repaired in order to prepare for a nanobots treatment of their own. The nanobots would create an area of synthetic tissue to allow Bud to safely add a layer of synthetic plastic and metal to reconstruct the hip. Then, more alpha gel would be used to build over the plastic and metal base to form a buffering layer to make any prosthetic comfortable. By the time the area was prepped to that point, the hip, upper leg and lower leg prosthetic would be ready.

And after that, and only after that, would James have the potential ability to walk again. Maybe.


	4. Chapter 4

For the first few moments after waking up, Eggsy had no idea where he was. At first, he flashed back to his young teens, back when Dean was the worst, before Daisy was born. Eggsy would come home from school and be almost instantly attacked by the man. It only took a few weeks for Eggsy to neglect coming home all together right after school. He would wait at the Rowley Way park until he was certain Dean would be asleep, then he would head home. Sometimes, Eggsy fell asleep at the park and would either wake up to the bright flashlights of the London Bobbies doing their nightly patrol or he would wake up the next morning.

But as he sat up and almost fell out of an office chair, Eggsy suddenly remembered where he had finally passed out the night before. Or was it the day? He found the sounds of James heartbeat and breathing patterns soothing and a generally a reassurance. James wasn’t dying on his watch. And eventually, Eggsy did fall asleep. When? He wasn’t sure. He looked around and saw Bud, Ginger Ale and some other Statesman techs staring at a monitor and James. Eggsy cleared his throat and saw all six pairs of eyes in the room turn his way.

“What time s’it?” Eggsy asked, rubbing his eyes and giving his back a stretch. Damn, he was not as young as he used to be. He would feel this nights sleep in his back for at least a few days.

“Its four in the afternoon Galahad,” Ginger Ale reported, “According to security cams, you’ve been asleep for at least fourteen hours.” And that's why he was so sore. Eggsy stood from the chair, and on wobbly legs, moved towards the monitors that the techs were looking at.

“Was’ that?” Eggsy asked. The monitors were unintelligible. Eggsy knew he wasn’t the smartest bloke on the planet. He was simply lucky that he had passed Year 12. But this was human anatomy, biology, chemistry and physics all on the same screen at the same time.

“Monitoring system. It provides a readout of brain activity,” Ginger Ale replied.

“We need to monitor Merlin and make sure he stays in a medically induced coma until he is stable enough to return to consciousness,” Bud added, pointing out something on a chart. Eggsy supposed that that blip meant something.

“How long will ‘e be out?” Eggsy asked, sticking his hands into the pockets of his jeans.

“As long as it takes Galahad,” Bud said but he sounded aggravated. Eggsy didn’t like the answer, but he supposed he would take it. He just remembered back in school. During elementary school, Eggsy went to what one would consider a “normal school.” Then his dad died and his marks started slipping. His teachers, not willing to work with a kid to had no desire to learn and, in Eggsy’s mind, not smart at all, he was transferred to a council school. The one on the Estate. There, his teachers cared even less. And Bud just sounded like his teachers. The ones who knew the course but were teaching it to kids who were dumb as fuck or didn’t care.

“Calm down Bud,” Ginger Ale said to the older man, who simply turned and scowled at the screen he was watching. “We’ll have to wait at least until the nanobots finish the first round of treatment and all the open wounds are sealed.”

“Okay,” Eggsy said, rubbing his heads over his face before looking through the glass at James.

“I’m gonna go get out of youse hair,” Eggsy said, heading towards the door.

“Good day, Galahad,” Ginger Ale said while Eggsy saluted her before walking out the door and into the hall. Once outside the room, he proceeded down the hallway towards where he knew Harry’s room was. Technically, Eggsy should go back to his own room and get a change of clothes, but jogging bottoms and the jumper both Harry and James hated were warm and much more appealing than changing. But since he went to bed with Harry, he left his shoulder holster and glasses in the older man’s room. And he would really like to grab those before continuing the rest of his incredibly shortened day.

The holster was easy to find. He had left it on the nightstand beside the bed, the safety on the gun and the bullet clip in the drawer under the nightstand. For a trained agent, Eggsy knew he could get it into the gun and loaded in seconds. It was for safety and all agents followed a similar procedure. Eggsy unzipped his yellow and black jumper and pulled his arms out of the sleeves. He slipped his arms into the holster and even shirtless, the leather fit like a second skin. This particular holster was the first one he had after his training. James had given it to him while Harry was still in a coma. Eggsy rarely wore it, but he quite liked it. It was his “home” holster. The one that would be comfortable on bare skin.

Once his jumper was back on his shoulders, Eggsy went in search of his Kingsman glasses. Not the normal kind. Not the ones that were just plain prescription. Yeah, these ones had a prescription on them too, but they were synced not only with the remaining Kingsman network and the Statesman one too. Thankfully, Eggsy was far-sighted, making his search for his glasses far easier. Once he located his glasses in the adjoining washroom, he slid them up his nose and settled into a clear environment. Using the pupil synced Heads Up Display, Eggsy toggled into the private chat with Harry.

“Evening Harry,” Eggsy said softly, hoping not to scare the older man shitless if he was busy somewhere that was quiet.

“Eggsy, my dear boy,” Harry said softly, his breath like a relieved exhale.

“Where are you Harry?” Eggsy asked, glad to hear that Harry did not sound angry, only mildly concerned.

“The cafeteria my dear boy,” Harry said, the tension in his voice appearing to leave with every additional sentence he spoke to Eggsy. “Shall I wait for you here?”

“Sure Harry,” Eggsy said as he began his trek down to the bottom floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I found this a rather challenging scene to write and I think the next following portions will get even harder to work on. Its full of a lot of angst.


	5. Chapter 5

Eggsy found that after sleeping fourteen hours in a row, then being awake for only seven, trying to fall asleep again was quite impossible. After laying in bed for about forty-five minutes next to Harry and trying to actually hold still to fall asleep, he rolled over to face Harry. The older man was laying on his back, but in the opened curtain, the moonlight was shining on enough of Harry’s face to discern the massive scarring on the right side of his face and eye that he usually covered over with a blacked out lens as a part of his Kingsman glasses. It was just the type of night that made Eggsy so scared of how close he was to either losing a part of Harry, or all of him entirely. The scarring was a big, messy, silvery-white reminder of how the odds of this moment happening at all were stacked against them entirely.

“Eggsy,” Harry whispered, not opening his eye.

“You’re awake Harry?” he whispered back, propping himself up on one elbow to look at Harry better.

“Of course I am, my boy,” Harry replied, opening his eye and turning to look at Eggsy, “you keep squirming.”

“I’m sorry Harry. I didn’t mean to keep you awake,” Eggsy said, “maybe I’ll go sleep with James again tonight.” He let himself trail off into silence. He hoped Harry would argue, perhaps suggest he stay.

“Maybe we could both go sleep in the observation room,” Harry suggested. And never in a million years did he think Harry would have ever offered that. They still had yet to talk about what had happened before the bomb went off. It had been almost a week since the fated mission and not once had he spoken to Harry, or anyone, for that matter, about what he was thinking.

“I-Harry, I think that would be very nice,” Eggsy said.

“Common then,” Harry said, reaching to the bedside table for his glasses.

“Leave em Harry,” Eggsy told the older man, giving him a little smack on the arm. “No one's gonna see you luv. No one, I promise.”

“Okay Eggsy, but we still have to put some kind of clothes on. Don’t need anyone to see...any of this,” Harry said, motioning to his torso. It was covered in scars and such from his almost thirty years as a spy, and yet Harry was convinced it wasn’t attractive. He thought so little of himself, even when it was just him and James. Even with the introduction of Eggsy, he still had so little self-esteem. It hurt Eggsy every time, but if Harry wanted to wear a shirt around HQ, there was no way he could be stopped.

“You should find your glasses darling,” Harry suggested.

“I’m not wearing mine if you’re not wearing yours,” Eggsy said before pulling a soft shirt over his head, “we’re going to go sleep with James and that's it.” Harry had found a button up and pulled it on overtop of his naked, scarred torso. Once the shirt was buttoned up as high as Harry wished it, he grabbed the younger man’s hand as they headed towards the door.

* * *

“Good evening Arthur, Galahad,” the sweet voice of Ginger Ale said over their HUD’s a few evenings later while they were eating supper in the staff cafeteria. Eggsy was working his way through a post-workout secondary helping of macaroni and cheese while Harry read a mission report from the Statesmen over a cup of soup. Trying not to slurp his cherry pop while taking a drink of it, Eggsy used it to help him clear his throat before trying to speak. The manners Harry and James taught him weren’t a complete waste .

“Ginger Ale,” Eggsy, or currently Galahad, replied through the glasses. Harry, hearing the conversation starting, put down the tablet he was reading from.

“Could you two come down to Med?” Ginger Ale asked and Eggsy could feel his blood cool. Was James okay?

“Merlin is fine,” Ginger Ale assured them seconds after finishing her previous statement, “I can hear you panicking from here. It's good new gents.”

* * *

“You can go in and see him if you’d like,” were the first words Ginger Ale spoke as the two British agents approached her. She was standing in the hallway, outside the door to James’ room while she waved them over and told them the good news. The nanobots had finished their first treatment and all of James’ open wounds were now sealed. He was out of quarantine. Eggsy almost couldn’t believe that it was true until Ginger Ale actually opened the door and motioned that they could go inside.

Eggsy let Harry go through the door first, leaving him a little time alone with the man who was still in a medically induced coma.

“So,” Ginger Ale said as they both watched Harry gingerly hold James’ hand, tears streaming down his face, “the three of you?”

“Yeah, its the three of us,” Eggsy confirmed, practically holding his breath. He typically wasn’t a super private person. In London, he would wear his pride on his sleeve and kiss either of them in public whenever he wished. But here, in the States, around this group of not entirely open minded agents, he went back into his metaphorical closet.

“I figured,” she replied, “or, at least you were with one of the two of them.”

Eggsy chuckled, looking towards the now closed door separating him from the two men he loved. “Guess I didn’t hide it very well,” Eggsy said, “never could.”

“It’s cool, you know?” Ginger Ale said before taking a deep breath, “Maybe you guys will show the agents here that gay people are just as good and worthy of being field agents as the straights. Even, in a position of power, like Arthur.”

“It took a while. It was only after the death of our previous Arthur that I learned that Arthur and Merlin had been a thing for almost thirty years before I met them.”

“Your Arthur, he’s a good man. I’m glad you still have the both of them.” 

“Me too,” Eggsy said almost silently, thinking back to just how close he has been to losing both of them. How close they still could be to loosing James.

“Go see them. They need your presence and strength right now,” Ginger Ale encouraged, re-opening the door and letting Eggsy inside.

“Harry,” Eggsy said, going to the side of the older man. He could see that Harry had he knees locked. As a spy, Eggsy noticed that kinda thing. It meant he was bracing himself against collapse.

“It’s okay darling, he’s here with us now. We’ll keep him safe,” Eggsy told Harry with as much courage as he could muster. He reached for James’ hand, the one without all the medical monitors attached to it.

“I love you James,” he said, kissing the forehead of his bald lover, “you stupid, brave, fearless, beautiful man. We’ll help you get better dear, we promise.”

“Oh Eggsy,” Harry said before sinking to his knees on the hard floor, “of course James, I love so much, my dear love. I’m so sorry I almost let you go. It never should have happened.” Harry’s head then fell as the facade of strength broke the eldest man while tears started falling.

“I’m so sorry James.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a) yes, the ending sentence was supposed to be ambiguous as to who said it. It could be either Eggsy or Harry saying sorry, but the idea behind not indicating either was to leave it open and encompass both their sadness.
> 
> b) This took a while to write. Way too long for a chapter with too little content and too much speaking. I'll blame school and not procrastination and other random stressors. 
> 
> c) Thanks to everyone who has held onto this story thus far. Comments are always appreciated and will help encourage me to write more often.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MAJOR warning for discussions of suicide. If that bothers you, I'd recommend skipping this chapter. Unfortunately, this will be a huge theme for the rest of James' recovery. Just so everyone is aware.

“We were so close to losing him,” Harry said later that evening as they sat in Harry’s room, which Eggsy had now moved into.

“Yeah,” Eggsy replied, “so youse both repaid your debts to my da, ya?”

“I suppose so,” Harry answered, combing his fingers through his hair.

“So no more self sacrifice from either of you,” Eggsy said seriously, “I’ve almost lost both of youse. No more Harry, ya?”

“I promise, my dear boy,” Harry whispered, leaning over and stroking his hand over Eggsy’s cheek. They fell into a comfortable silence for a little before Harry pulled out his phone and started searching through the Kingsman databases for something. When he finally seemed satisfied, he passed the phone to Eggsy. On the screen was an accident report from August 1995.

* * *

_**Date(s):** August 25, 1995_

_**Time(s):** 13:43 - 17:21 _

_**Agent(s) Involved:** Hamish J. Mycroft acting as Kay _

_**Agent Filing Report:** Harold Hart acting as Galahad _

_**Civilians Involved:** Yes/ No _

_**Public Debriefed:** Yes/ No _

* * *

“This was one of your reports,” Eggsy exclaimed, having only read the first six lines. Back in the day before technology. It was all hand written and had been obviously scanned out of a binder and into the digital age.

“Just keep reading Eggsy,” Harry encouraged him.

* * *

_**General:** Training plane crash in the fields just off of the landing pad. Agent Kay was training the candidates for the position of Lamorak when the plane crashed just before landing. No candidates were injured in the crash. _

_**Injuries:** Agent Kay was treated at Kingsman hospital for two broken femurs, six broken ribs and massive internal bleeding.  Kay will be sent for comprehensive mental examination upon release from hospital_

_**Cause(s):** No known mechanical issues with the aircraft. Pre-flight inspection yielded no issues or points of minor concern with the aircraft. Kay called no mayday upon crash and flight data transmitter was recording. Recorder was disable just after the candidates left the plane. Causes are largely unknown._

* * *

“He tried to commit suicide,” Harry said as he watched Eggsy put the phone down on his lap. “It was just after our last Lamorak’s death. James thought it was his fault, but it was an error on the account of many parties. He spoke to the Kingsman psychologist for months after Lamorak’s death but their discussions caused Dr. Foster to ultimately bench James out of fear of acting out on his desires. He was confined to training recruits and paperwork."

“When the candidates for Lamorak’s replacement came through, he busied himself in their training and I thought he was getting better and I told Dr. Foster that. Dr. Foster approved James to be the pilot of the skydiving training. He crashed his plane on that flight.”

“He was in hospital for months. He had to be sedated because he tried to kill himself there too. So desperate to die, he forgot about everyone that he loved. His family and his boyfriend. I was forgotten to the haze of death. Once he was healed, he was put on experimental drugs to help with the extreme depression and he did get better.”

“When your father died, he spiraled back into a depressive state after neglecting the drugs he was on. Once again, he blamed himself. Arthur, Chester, revoked his agent status after your father’s death. He was assigned to the job of Morgana, and eventually Merlin.”

“Then you came into our lives, dear boy and James stopped taking his meds again. But he didn’t spiral into depression. He kept himself up. I knew he should have taken his meds before we went out into the field. Sometimes he can relapse without warning. I fear, that's maybe why he stepped on the bomb. It was the repayment of his debt, but it was also an opportunity to die a hero, not a failure.”

“Why did you tell me all this?” Eggsy asked, tears threatening to break through the surface

“Because you deserve to know. This is what we’ll likely have to face when he comes too. He’ll likely have to remain sedated and restrained. The injuries will just add to it,” Harry said, face still stoic, “I told you so that you are prepared.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, but I had to write this. This was the only explanation that I felt actually fit Merlin's actions to a T.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eggsy plays some music for James.

The next morning, he and Harry dawned their glasses and called a Knights Table meeting. Everyone, including Roxy, was present. Eggsy could see that Roxy looked banged up, but she was at least sitting at the table in the shop while wearing a suit. “Good day Knights,” Harry, or Arthur at this moment, addressed the table from his new place at the head.

“As you know, Merlin was involved in an accident a little over a week ago. With the help from the Statesman Agents, here in Kentucky, we are working on getting him fit for transport home.”

“As well, with the agents injured in Poppy’s mass bombings, I have removed you from active duty. Once other agents are done their opps, you will also be taken off of active duty. Kingsman, as an agency needs to lie low now. Poppy was able to access our data bases and steal the knowledge of your identities and dwellings. I have reason to suspect that other agencies can do it as well. Once we find the loophole, and secure your identities, you will be able to return to active duty. The French and Italian Secret Services will be taking over our open cases.”

“Does anyone have anything they wish to add or ask? If not, Galahad and I shall be back with Merlin within the month.”

“I think I speak for the for all of us Knights when I say to bring Merlin home safely, sir,” Percival said, much to the nodded agreement of all the other Knights.

“Alright, I shall see you in less than a month,: Arthur said, “If you need to contact or check in, I will be online periodically.”

“Good luck, sir,” Lancelot - Roxy - said before she turned off her HUD and the shimmery green reflection of her being disappeared. Eggsy felt a pang in his chest at seeing Roxy go, wondering if it may be the last time he saw her...again. It seemed that they were doomed, everytime they talked before a mission, something went wrong. Or maybe Eggsy was just jaded, because the second last time they talked, she got blown up. And the last time they talked, it was the morning before James was blown up. Before he was almost blown up.

One by one, the other agents’ holograms began disappearing until it was just him and Arthur remaining. Eggsy disconnected his HUD and watched as Harry did the same.

“I’m gonna go see James,” Eggsy announced, rising from his seat and heading out the door towards the medical wing. He didn’t look over his shoulder to see if Harry was following, but unfortunately, he didn’t think he was. Eggsy wouldn’t hold it against Harry, he never did. Sometimes though, he wished that Harry would just be different. Not in a bad way. Eggsy didn’t really know how to describe it because he loved this version of Harry with all his little quirks and such. It was just that, sometimes, he wished Harry showed more emotion. He understood not wanting to see James because it meant that the man was still in medical turmoil, but why wouldn’t you not want to see your partner of almost thirty years? It was hard to comprehend.

* * *

 

Entering the medical wing, Eggsy walked to James’ room and just watched him through the window on the door. It hurt Eggsy’s heart to see him so vulnerable and so weak. So torn apart and broken. “At least they were able to keep the good half,” Eggsy thought to himself before chuckling silently and entering the room. They had covered up what remained of James’ legs with a white blanket and added a long sleeved sweater over top of his arms, now scarred and bandaged.

Reaching into his pocket, Eggsy grasped around for the speaker he had grabbed before leaving his and Harry’s room that morning. He could connect it to his phone and play whatever music he wanted. Convenient really, it being so small, Eggsy found himself bringing it almost anywhere. “Wanna listen to some music James?” Eggsy muttered into the silence of the room. The silence only disturbed by the wiring of the machines breathing for James and the subtle beeping of the monitors.

“Of course you do,” Eggsy answered for James. He always listened to music while he worked. When he was on missions, Eggsy could always hear the soft music in the background of the mic system that they used.

“How about we start with…,” Eggsy said, pausing as he scrolled through his playlist before finding something he deemed decent to listen with James, “how about some Elton John?” Clicking on the icon for the song _I’m Still Standing,_ a song James quite liked because it reminded him that he had come this far in life mostly successfully, the music began playing over the speaker.

“Is this a good song?” Eggsy asked, before crossing his legs and sitting on the floor next to James’ bed. “I know you like this one.”

After they were a few verses into the song, Eggsy turned down the music and said, “Harry told me about what happened with the training plane. Back in 1995. I knew you...took medications every morning. But I didn’t realize that they were to combat depression. I wish….I wish you had told me James. I wish for so many things, but I wish you had told me what was happening in that wonderfully intelligent head of yours.”

“I do love you James, I hope you know that,” Eggsy said, looking up to the ceiling of the padded medical room, “I just hope that our love will help you power through whatever dark clouds there are in your head. Whatever cloud almost took you away from Harry before and almost took you away from us now. It has to leave James...it just has to...I can’t live without you. I just can’t.”

Once the first few songs were over, Eggsy wiped his eyes dry and switched the song. It was one of James top favorites and as the first chords played through the speakers Eggsy could feel as if an invisible hand was squeezing his heart. Then the words started playing and all he could hear was the Scottish brogue of one of the loves of his life singing the lines.

 _Almost heaven, west Virginia, blue ridge mountains, Shenandoah River._ As the song started playing, all Eggsy could hear was James. His laugh, his voice, originally heard in the corridor of the Kingsman mansion, reprimanding Harry for being late again. As usual _._

 _Life is old there, older than the trees, younger than the mountains, blowing like the breeze._ James eyes, glimmering in the morning light, looking over Harry’s still sleeping form and into Eggsy’s blue ones. His smile taking over his face as he leaned over Harry to kiss Eggsy. Watching him take off his tortoise shell glasses last every night and putting them on first thing every morning.

 _Country roads, take me home, to the place, I belong. West Virginia, mountain mama, take me home, country roads._ Teasing James about his cooking in the kitchen of Harry’s - now their - home at 18 Stanhope Mews. Running away around the back of the counter top as James tried to grab him, but being caught by Harry. Giggling uncontrollably as James tickled his bare stomach as Harry tried to hold him still.

 _Country roads, take me home, to the place, I belong. West Virginia, mountain mama, take me home, country roads_. Kissing them both on the plane to Poppy’s mansion and telling them both, “I love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, that got angsty fast. But on a more serious note, I wanted to incorporate some real feelings of grief into Eggsy's experiences. I realize I haven't been focusing on Harry much yet, but I want to incorporate his feelings, specifically involving his guilt, into later chapters. But this is quickly becoming a massive story, considering just how slowly it is moving at this point.


	8. Chapter 8

“Good morning Galahad,” Bud said as Eggsy opened the door to James’ observation room that morning. He had been going to visit James on a daily basis, sometimes spending his entire day with the man. Sure, there were better things he could be doing, like taking Champ up on the offer to go on a few missions or go work-out. But he was super nervous that if he didn’t spend time with James, the man may die and he would be unable to be reached. It truly terrified him and he refused to leave his side. Heck, he hadn’t even phoned his mom yet. He couldn’t imagine how terrified she may be if she was to drop by their flat and none of the three were present.

“Morning Bud,” Eggsy replied, “how are things looking?”

“You worry too much young man,” Bud said, looking back towards one of the many screens in front of him, “but if you would like your daily update for you and Arthur, I can successfully say that we should be able to take him off the ventilator any day now. That will determine his readiness to return to London.”

“Thats incredible!” Eggsy said, refraining from doing a Skippy-Happy-Dance. As much he wanted to, he didn’t want to show anything other than friend-like-compassion for the man.

“Yes it is,” Bud said before the room went silent. Eggsy just stood there looking through the glass and watching James. He watched the soft rising and falling of his chest, silently reminding himself that the man was still alive.

“Standing here won’t get him breathing on his own kid,” Bud told him, finally looking away from the screen, “Go do something with yourself.”

“Yeah Bud, okay,” Eggsy said, scratching the back of his head and making to leave the room.

“I would let you stay,” Bud started as Eggsy had just opened the door, “but I do have to run some urgent tests.”

“Its okay,” Eggsy shrugged before adjusting his glasses, “I should go do something anyways.”

“If that was my Alan, I would want to spend time with him too. What I’m saying, Eggsy, is that I understand, but you must let me do my work.”

Eggsy cracked a smile, showing Bud that he did understand, before telling him, “yes sir, I’ll be back later then.” He did end up making himself useful later in the day, going to the gym for about five hours, simply to make up for his lack of physical activities. But regardless, he still found it incredibly difficult to even get to sleep that night, his brain not shutting up for even a minute.

Harry had, once again, taken some sleeping medications, so he was dead to the world for the rest of the night. Eggsy was still incredibly hesitant to take any kind of narcotics. After his long and quite unenjoyable foray into the world of street drugs starting just after his fifteenth birthday, Eggsy knew he could become addicted again. And if only to avoid the symptoms of withdrawal, he vowed never to use drugs again unless absolutely necessary.

He remembered when he was drugged during his training. It put him back into his pattern of craving and managed to sneak some of the drugs from the medical wing at Kingsman before heading to Harry’s that evening. He took some that night and got a nice high off of it and pocketed some more the next day. Unfortunately, he was as high as a kite when Arthur asked him to shoot JB and had a temporary flashback to his childhood of fear. As he stormed out of that mansion, he forgot to pocket anymore and went into withdrawal. Fortunately, he worked it all out of his system as he fought Valentine and the rest of his cronies. He had the worst headache and stomach cramps the next few days and then vowed to never have drugs again.

Which was why he was not currently sleeping.

* * *

“Hey James,” Eggsy said, entering his room in medical that night. He had pulled a fuzzy blanket off the bed in his and Harry’s room, wrapped it around his shoulders like he was a young child again and had wandered off to Med.

“I’ve come to sleep with you tonight,” he told the unconscious James, “couldna sleep with Harry. Couldna keep my own brain from talking. You know how it is sometimes.” As embarrassing as it may be in the morning, Eggsy had an inkling that Bud wouldn’t tell anyone that he found him asleep near James’ side.

Curling up on the bed where James’ feet would have been and pulled his blanket close, Eggsy started to feel the tears coming to his eyes again. James was alive and yet he was so broken. It hurt to see a man his loved so much be so broken.

“I love you,” was the last thing he could remember whispering to James before sleep finally overtook him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, so that section on the drugs got away from me a little. But I started thinking about it and figured that if Eggsy ever did drugs, that train test would have potentially been quiet bad and may have gotten him addicted again, and wanted to explore that some.

**Author's Note:**

> This whole story is based off this drawing: https://pin.it/b3m6tbfgpjv3jy  
> Yes, that is foreshadowing, yes it's off pinterest, no its not NSFW
> 
> So, I just realized that Merlin's canonical name is Hamish Mycroft. I will not be changing it to that name because I like James much better and I think it suits him more. In this, his full name will be Hamish James Mycroft. He takes James as his preferred name. 
> 
> I am also just completely ignoring Eggsy's relationship with Tilde. Maybe in the future of this story she will come in as a partner to another character (wink wink nudge nudge), but who knows...I sure don't.
> 
> Also, in addition, I have decided that the street they live on is Stanhope Mews, based on where Harry's house was filmed at for the movie. If anyone knows where Harry's house actually is (its canonical location), I would love to know.


End file.
